The New Therapist Blues

My therapist has decided to leave the counseling center I attend and go into her own practice over an hour away.

Still not sure how I feel about that.

She said I have three options:

1. I can stay at the center and get a new therapist
2. I can go to her practice
3. I can stop going to therapy completely.

Here are my issues with each one.  Getting a new therapist makes me nervous because that means I have to get used to talking to yet another person. I was just getting comfortable with the one I have right now.

Her new practice is pretty damn far from where my house is. Traveling that far twice a month for 45 minute therapy sessions isn’t really practical. Gas is expensive as it is.

Stopping therapy isn’t smart either. I did that several years ago and I had a really bad time.  It’s not really recommended that I do that anyways.

So, I know that I’m just going to have to stay where I am and get a new therapist whether I’m comfortable with it or not. It’s something that I have to do. I guess I just hate change still. I’m trying to work through my own issues and this wasn’t something I expected. I guess I should have saw it coming since she had cleaned out her bookcase a month or so ago. It’s been empty for awhile so I didn’t think much of it. I just thought she was getting ready to put new books in it or something.

Obviously not.

 

Say It Like You Mean It

I’ll be honest…. this week has sucked.  My writing has been slow and I’ve been easily distracted.  Every time I turn around I’m dealing with someone’s drama that they have created. Being the good friend I am, I’ll put away whatever I’m working on to help them out. I don’t mind doing that at all. But, there comes a point when you’re going to have to do it on your own. They can’t rely on me all the time. Figure it out on your own. Write your e-mails to stupid boys by yourself. It’s not my problem.

Why am I so frustrated right now? Last night, I tried to help someone out by inviting them out to the movies on Monday. I wanted to get her out of the house and get her mind off of all the problems going on with her. I felt bad for her and I wanted to help. What did she do?  She didn’t like the movie choice so she said she wasn’t in the mood to go out at the moment. Fine…

What is she doing right now? Well, according to facebook, she’s going out with 3 good friends for ” date” and some food. Interesting.  It’s hard not to take that one personally.

This is the girl who also wants to be a published writer. She talks about it a lot but never puts any effort into it. She gets distracted too easily by stupid people and boys. One certain boy she hasn’t even met yet distracts her beyond reasoning. He’s not worth her time, won’t pay attention to when she wants to talk about serious topics, and only wants to “sweet talk” her to death.

Boys….

I don’t know what it is, but I just feel like I’m in the right place to really settle down and get a boyfriend. Sure, I’d love to have one, but I’m trying to focus on getting this book written and get it published. Boys are needy….

I started talking to one that I met on some social network (Facebook, I think..). He lives a couple of hours away. Sure, he’s nice. Yeah, he’s cute. But….. I don’t have the time to really interact with him. I think he’s the type who needs to be around the girl all the time.  I can’t handle that right now. I have my own things to deal with.

Maybe I just have a fear of  commitment…..eh…?

Let’s see, what else? One of my good friend’s soon-to-be ex-husband likes to attack my facebook when he gets drunk and angry. Gotta love dealing with angry photo comments at one in the morning because someone wants to have a drunk hissy fit.

I feel for my friend though. She’s having legitimate problems worthy of all the stress going on. There’s kid involved which complicates things even more.

Hmm…there’s more. Oh! My awesome betta fish, Telle, died the other night. It really broke my heart because he was great company while I was writing. He never made any distracting noises, stayed in one place.. it was great. Now, his empty bowl sits on my desk, depressing me even more. I really should put that away somewhere I can’t see it. Telle was my little buddy.

So, I’m thinking that I’m going to have to let certain friends deal with their own problems for once. They have to learn that they can do these things on their own without having me make all their decisions. It’s time to grow up and either make some mistakes or make some good choices. But, they have to do it on their own or they won’t learn.

Plus, I’m getting really tired taking on their stress along with what I have. My back is starting to break. I have my own work to do. Get focused and get stuff done. Just leave me out of it for once.

One Of These Days, I’ll Learn To Let Go

I really don’t write in here as much as I should.  I really do apologize for neglecting this blog but things have been busy for me.  I’ve been working hard on the novel and editing another one. Plus, I was asked to contribute to a serial story blog for a while, so I’ve been working on a story to put on that blog.

Have you ever been so busy you felt like you were going to explode? Yeah, that’s me right now.

In a weird way though…. I kind of like the hectic days. Sure, I feel utterly exhausted and my head hurts after a long day, but it feels like it’s worth it almost. Like, I’ve accomplished something great and soon people will see that. I guess that is what excites me. The fact that people will be reading what I’m writing at that specific moment. I hope most will appreciate it, but I know that I can’t please everyone.

That’s really a lesson I’ve learned lately. You cannot please everyone. Someone is always going to be unhappy with something and there is nothing you can do about it. I could do my best to put myself out there and if you aren’t happy with what you see, then it’s not going to work.

You see, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately. Almost a year ago, I had to let go of a friendship. For three years, I was controlled and manipulated into being a certain way because that was what she wanted. I couldn’t be myself around her because she hated who I really was. The sad thing is… I let her do it. I let her change me. I watched what I said around her, I went and did the things she wanted to do.

It went on until last year when I said something on twitter that she took offense to. She thought it was directed towards her (because she’s kind of paranoid) and went on a tangent on her facebook about me. I knew then that this was too toxic to save. She wouldn’t listen. She  never listened and I had to start taking care of myself for once.

I started thinking about the whole thing recently because I have a friend who is still friends with her. She’s been mentioning her a lot and her name just makes my skin crawl.  Probably because I still remember that feeling of being controlled all the time, of not being able to state my own opinion about things. And how I’m always the “bad guy” or the “bitch.”

I wish the drama would end. But, again, you can’t please everyone, right?

Right.

Sometimes I Have The Advice and Sometimes I Need It, Too

My posts on here seem to be lacking and for that, I apologize.

I’ve just been so focused on trying to get my writing routine back for my w.i.p that I have sort of neglected this blog. It wasn’t intentional. It just happened.

I’ve been feeling kind of frustrated lately, maybe a bit…lonely, I guess. My social life has been quickly disappearing before my eyes and it really sucks. Ever since I graduated college, things haven’t really been all that easy. I still can’t find a job… I’m still living at home with the family (and they drive me crazy, let me tell you), I have bills piling up and my friends are doing their own thing.

But, whenever they need me, I’m always there. I always make time for those who need me. I’ve been giving advice like crazy to people because I don’t want them to have to suffer through things alone. If I can help, okay.  I’m not the best romance expert in the world (in fact, my experience isn’t all that great, to be honest), but if my friend is having trouble with guy issues, I’ll do my best.

My friends say I should have been a therapist instead. I should have been a life coach or something because I’m so supportive and willing to help people.  I guess it’s just in my nature to want to help someone.

I’ve been through a lot of dark days and I wouldn’t want anyone to have to experience that.

I guess I just get irritated when I’m the one with some problems and nobody listens to me. I try to talk about it and they just change the subject back to themselves. Sometimes, I need to talk about things.. and all this guy talk lately has been depressing. It makes me feel lonely because I’ve been single for so long. I used to say I didn’t care, but now? I don’t know. There’s a lot of pressure for girls to settle down and get married around here. And when you’re single, you get labeled as an “old maid.” It’s frustrating.

I had to break up with a guy a couple of years ago because he wouldn’t listen to what I had to say. He would whine and complain because I “never talked to him” but, he didn’t see that when I tried to, he would go off and say he had other things to do. He would log off messenger because he had to play video games with his buddy. I soon realized video games and his friends were more important than me. I deserved better than that.

I’m sure I’ll get it one day…right?

Playing The Fear Game

I just barely made my writing deadline for the week. I just sent in the next chapter of my novel to my beta reader a few minutes ago when I usually send it out in the morning. What happened to set me back? Well, I’ll tell you.

Life.

There were times this week that I let stress and frustration get in my way. I let drama grab a hold of my own creativity and leave me with nothing. For four days, I couldn’t write. I thought about it, but as soon as I opened up the document and stared at the cursor blinking on the screen, I froze.

It was waiting for me. With each blink, blink, blink, I felt like I was going to go out of my mind.

It’s not that I didn’t know what to write. I have several scenes running through my head as I write this post. It’s just that sometimes I let real life put those stupid doubts in my head.

It’s kind of like playing the “fear game.” Letting fear take control of you life so you won’t do anything with your life. It’s letting anxiety take over your whole being because it doesn’t want you to succeed.

“Don’t do that,” it will say. “What happens if you get rejected? What happens if people don’t like what you have to say? What happens if you fail?”

I won’t fail.

I can’t let it do that to me anymore because I have dreams to fulfill. I have people right now who doubt me that I need to say, “You know what? I can do whatever I set my mind to.”

So, I’m done with playing the “Fear Game.” No more. I’ve won.

The Ways of the Mundane

Happy Fourth of July (or Independence Day, whichever you really  prefer).  I hope you’re having a fun (and safe!) celebration. Me? Not so much. My brother decided he didn’t want to hang out with his cool, big sister tonight, and after that, I just wasn’t feeling the whole celebration thing. In the area I live in, it’s just not that exciting anyways. You’re better off getting your own fireworks and praying you don’t blow your hand off. Has that happened? Probably. Thankfully, not to me though.

It goes to show how much this place is stifling. The air is suffocating, the people are dull, there’s no great interactions. It’s really like I’m living in the movie “Groundhog’s Day” over and over again. Every day, it’s the same thing. I don’t want that for myself. I’m too young for that.

Then, when I do get out, I come home to find drama. Everyone’s pissed because I left. Well, what did you expect?

I’m surrounded by a bunch of idiots. These people don’t know what it’s like to really live. They’re satisfied with the mundane ways of life around here. I’m not. No thank you.

Once I’m able to remedy this situation, I will. I’m tired of the same old thing every day. There’s only so much a person can take, you know.

So, yeah. Happy Fourth of July. Have a party but don’t be stupid about it. Don’t get drunk like the rednecks around here and go mudding or whatever it is they do. I don’t know. I’m just a New York transplant. I don’t know their ways.  I’m going to celebrate by writing in my novel.

Update: Oh, if you’re a writer (or just have a passion for writing), head over to my other blog, and sign up for my writing blog fest. I need more participants.  It’ll be fun. I promise!

Over capacity. Yeah, We Know.

I hate that effing whale.

Is it sad that whenever I see that stupid “Twitter is over capacity” message when I try to log on to Twitter almost causes me to throw something?  Yes, I will admit that I probably have a slight addiction to twitter. There’s just something relaxing about rambling about something in 140 characters or less to people who don’t really care.  When that stupid whale shows up in front of me with that dumb message, it doesn’t happen once. No, not even twice. It’ll happen for over an hour and that’s when I give up. Twitter isn’t worth all that stress.  It is a great tool to get your name out there though. You can connect with people (such as writers like myself) you may not be able to connect with in other ways.

I understand I should probably go on a Twitter hiatus for awhile, but every time I try, I end up back at that site, ranting..raving.. discussing. And then yelling at a whale held up by tiny birds telling me that Twitter is over capacity.

Go figure.

Heat Wave. Blah.

You could seriously cut through the humidity with a knife. You know, I’ve always laughed at that statement whenever someone said that to me. In my head, I envision some adventurer (you know, the Indiana Jones type) with the safari hat and clothes on, swinging some huge knife around to cut the visible humidity hanging from the sky. Let’s just say, I have a vivid imagination….

I wish Mr. Adventurer would take away the humidity around here because it is not helping me. At all. I’m way behind with my daily writing goals (hell, even with my monthly writing goals) and there is just no hope in even bothering with it right now. Summers in southern Missouri aren’t really much fun. Of course, the winters aren’t really great either. I’ve become more of a spring and fall fan. I can handle temperatures up to the mid-70′s or hell, even to 80 degrees. But, 95 degrees (not counting heat index)? No. I cannot work with that.

My mind doesn’t seem to function when it’s really hot out. I don’t even have a/c in my room. Lucky me, huh? I just sit in front of the box fan with my window open, hoping some stray breeze will come in. Does it happen? Rarely.  I need to get focused on my work, but I can’t. My novel is bleak. Nothing is working. When I try to work at night, I become tired and that’s not a good way to work. What’s a girl to do? What’s a writer to do?

It’s a frustrating situation. Sometime soon, I’m just going to have to deal with the sweltering heat and get my mind-set on creative mode. It’s just that whenever I open up the document, my brain shuts down. It doesn’t want to work.

Maybe tonight….maybe tonight….?