Sometimes I Just Need Time To Think

It’s been awhile since I’ve written in this blog. It’s not for lack of anything to write about. It’s more that I just couldn’t get the momentum to actually do it.

When winter hits, I don’t want to do anything. I guess I suffer from seasonal depression. I always thought that was just a big joke, but now… I don’t know. I’ve been depressed since November really and my anxiety has decided to rear it’s ugly head at me. I’ve suffered from an anxiety disorder for quite a few years now. I’ve always been able to get a handle on it and take care of it myself. Of course I have moments where I feel like I’m suffocating, but now I have tricks to get over it. That’s a start, I guess.

When I begin to get depressed and anxious, I get horrible mood swings. Then, I become withdrawn and I don’t want to talk to anybody. I  haven’t talked to any of my friends in several days. I just don’t want to take it out on them. They  have their own problems to deal with. I don’t want them to worry about me.  I’ve always been the one to put aside my own issues to help them. But, right now, I’m so emotionally drained that I can’t focus on that right now.

My writing keeps me sane. It helps tune out the anxiety and the OCD. It makes it all go away for the time being. I can focus on my characters and what’s going on with them. Somehow, their problems ease my own. Not sure how that works, but I’ll take it.

Hopefully my friends understand my silence. It’s not intentional, but sometimes I just need my own space. I need time to clear my head and get over the funk.

Obsessed

In a previous post, I talked about when I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder and how I managed to overcome it. Briefly, I mentioned another disorder that I had, but never went into full detail.

I have obsessive compulsive disorder.

It’s not that uncommon anymore. There are like 3 television shows (in America at least) about people who have it. So, the exposure is out there. People aren’t really shying away from it. OCD runs in my family like the anxiety disorder. My younger brother and I are the ones who seemed to really be plagued with this illness.

My brother does things with numbers. He will do things repeatedly before he feels comfortable stopping. He’ll turn the lights on and off over and over again. The other day, I watched him pick the remote control up seven times before he left for work. There are times when he’s almost late for things because he has to do these things. If he doesn’t, he feels like something is going to go wrong.

For me, it’s all about the hand washing. A few years ago, it was a nightmare. I was washing my hands compulsively around 20-30 times a day for around 3 minutes. With scalding hot water, no less. Why? Because it was something I needed to be in control with, and I viewed germs as a nasty, dirty thing. I wanted my hands to be perfectly clean. I needed them to be perfectly clean. There was no other way around it. If I couldn’t wash my hands, I had a break down. I felt like I was going to catch some horrible disease.

The result of this constant washing wasn’t nice to see. I wish I had pictures of what my hands looked like back then. They were red and cracked, peeling and sometimes bloody. It wasn’t easy to look at, but again, my head was telling me it was okay.

But, it wasn’t, and I know that now.

Another thing I had were the obsessive, compulsive thoughts that I was going to die. This usually brought on the anxiety attacks. Horrible thoughts popped into my head at the most random of times like if I didn’t wash my hands, I was going to get cancer or something. It was an every day, all day thing.

After my time with therapy, I’m finally in control and I know those habits are not good. There are times when I find myself at the sink washing my hands when I just washed them a few minutes ago. It’s not an easy battle to fight, but I plan on winning the war.

If you know someone with O.C.D, don’t judge them for it. Be patient and understanding. Make sure they know that they’re not alone. It’s not easy to get through this when you know that people are always watching you and judging you for what you have no control over.

If you are someone who suffers from this, know that you’re not alone. Sometimes, it may seem like it, but you’re not. It may be hard to finally stand up and tell O.C.D that you’re not going to suffer any longer, but you can do it.  If you find yourself alone and not sure how to cope, click here and the web site has support ready.