Letting Go

I haven’t posted in this blog in a very long time. It’s just that I have been so busy with other stuff this past year that I was a bit neglectful. Sorry about that.  It’s already been a long year.  For those that don’t know, my step-dad passed away last September and after that, my anxiety disorder came back full force. My mom and I were the ones who found him in his chair.  He had congestive heart failure. He was very overweight and smoked almost two packs of cigarettes a day.

We didn’t get along. Not really. My mom married him when I was about 13 years old. The thing about Bob was he was a very intense man. He wanted things his way and if you didn’t agree then he was going to put you down. And put me down, he did. All the time.  He was verbally and mentally abusive, but even with him gone, I’m still dealing with those issues.

I go to therapy twice a month for my anxiety and depression. I didn’t realize finding my step-dad in his chair like that would have been such a trauma to me but it has been. Therapy helped me realize that I need to work through my issues with him even though he is gone now. His words stayed with me.  I need to let them go.  I have to go out and follow my dreams now because letting his words of me being a failure bring me down only gives them more power. I can’t do that anymore.

I’m not a failure.

I’m not a loser.

I’m not anything he said I was.

I can only be one person: Me. That’s all I want.

And now I’m letting all of that pain go. Right now. Letting it fly into the proverbial wind so I can pick myself up, brush myself off and move on. It’s time.

Obsessed

In a previous post, I talked about when I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder and how I managed to overcome it. Briefly, I mentioned another disorder that I had, but never went into full detail.

I have obsessive compulsive disorder.

It’s not that uncommon anymore. There are like 3 television shows (in America at least) about people who have it. So, the exposure is out there. People aren’t really shying away from it. OCD runs in my family like the anxiety disorder. My younger brother and I are the ones who seemed to really be plagued with this illness.

My brother does things with numbers. He will do things repeatedly before he feels comfortable stopping. He’ll turn the lights on and off over and over again. The other day, I watched him pick the remote control up seven times before he left for work. There are times when he’s almost late for things because he has to do these things. If he doesn’t, he feels like something is going to go wrong.

For me, it’s all about the hand washing. A few years ago, it was a nightmare. I was washing my hands compulsively around 20-30 times a day for around 3 minutes. With scalding hot water, no less. Why? Because it was something I needed to be in control with, and I viewed germs as a nasty, dirty thing. I wanted my hands to be perfectly clean. I needed them to be perfectly clean. There was no other way around it. If I couldn’t wash my hands, I had a break down. I felt like I was going to catch some horrible disease.

The result of this constant washing wasn’t nice to see. I wish I had pictures of what my hands looked like back then. They were red and cracked, peeling and sometimes bloody. It wasn’t easy to look at, but again, my head was telling me it was okay.

But, it wasn’t, and I know that now.

Another thing I had were the obsessive, compulsive thoughts that I was going to die. This usually brought on the anxiety attacks. Horrible thoughts popped into my head at the most random of times like if I didn’t wash my hands, I was going to get cancer or something. It was an every day, all day thing.

After my time with therapy, I’m finally in control and I know those habits are not good. There are times when I find myself at the sink washing my hands when I just washed them a few minutes ago. It’s not an easy battle to fight, but I plan on winning the war.

If you know someone with O.C.D, don’t judge them for it. Be patient and understanding. Make sure they know that they’re not alone. It’s not easy to get through this when you know that people are always watching you and judging you for what you have no control over.

If you are someone who suffers from this, know that you’re not alone. Sometimes, it may seem like it, but you’re not. It may be hard to finally stand up and tell O.C.D that you’re not going to suffer any longer, but you can do it.  If you find yourself alone and not sure how to cope, click here and the web site has support ready.

Overcoming Anxiety

Almost 4 years ago, my life went through a pretty dark time. The days were long, the nights were even longer. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t think, I couldn’t really function by myself.  During the month of June 2006, I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety/Panic Disorder and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.  Back then, I didn’t know how to deal with it. Now, I’m glad to say I’ve managed to deal with it and take control of my own life.

Sometimes, when people even mention the phrase “mental disorder”, others tend to stiffen up and not want to talk about it. Some people act like it’s contagious and if they get close enough to the person who has it, they will sure catch it.  Sorry to break their bubble, but that’s not how it works.  Of course, mine does run in my family. My dad was always a nervous wreck and my older brother had to be taken to the emergency room three times in one week because he was having such crippling panic attacks. He thought he was having a heart attack. Back then, I was just a kid who didn’t understand why I had to keep sitting in a hospital waiting room when the doctors were telling my brother he was okay. Nothing was wrong with him. I didn’t know what panic attacks were. Several years later, I was going to find out the hard way.

I can remember my first panic attack vividly. It seems like another life now. I was sitting in the same spot I am sitting in right now. I was listening to music in my bedroom when all of a sudden, I started thinking about college and so much more that I just was overcome with so much emotion. The anxiety hit me like a freaking freight train.  My heart was pounding and I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I remember stumbling into the bathroom and looking at my reflection in the mirror. It was like I was looking at a totally different person, and that scared me. I ended up waking up my mom who had to get up in a few hours for her graveyard shift at a local convenience store. I remember begging her to stay with me because I was honestly scared I was going to die.  She consented in taking me to work with her which was the beginning of my insomnia.

I didn’t sleep for a couple of months after that. Not until I started going to therapy. My mom knew it was time to take me there after the whole “thing” (as she liked to call it) wasn’t going away. Ignoring it wasn’t going to help. I was at the point where the panic attacks hit me at the most random of times, and I ended up curled in a ball on the floor, crying. It was definitely hard to deal with and I was tired. There were moments where I was hurting myself to get my mind off the anxiety, to prevent what I knew was coming. I never told anyone that before.

Therapy was my saving grace. My therapist was one of the most understanding/cool person I have ever met. She knew how to make me feel at ease and get me to talk about the things that were bottled up inside me.  They put me on an anti-depressant and I was finally able to make it through the days. I started sleeping at night and I could be alone without feeling so anxious. The attacks were lessening by the day.  It was like freedom.

Four years later and I still haven’t had a major panic attack. I’m also off the anti-depressant, so that’s even better for me. It’s nice to know that I am strong enough to conquer through the dark days and make it through. I understand that some people are not going to understand what I went through, and I pray that they never have to. It’s scary to feel like you have lost control of yourself and your own emotions. But, I’ve learned that if you let go of all the negativity the past has brought you, things will start to get better. Life looks a lot better now that I’m focused on being happy.

If you know someone who is suffering from a mental disorder, don’t let them go through this alone. It’s a very scary thing for a person who is struggling to feel that darkness by himself.  Take their hand and let them know that you care enough to stand by their side through those darkest times.

I’ll talk more about my O.C.D in a future post.

“You need something to open up a new door, to show you something you seen before but overlooked a hundred times or more.”

Bob Dylan