I haven’t posted in this blog in a very long time. It’s just that I have been so busy with other stuff this past year that I was a bit neglectful. Sorry about that. It’s already been a long year. For those that don’t know, my step-dad passed away last September and after that, my anxiety disorder came back full force. My mom and I were the ones who found him in his chair. He had congestive heart failure. He was very overweight and smoked almost two packs of cigarettes a day.
We didn’t get along. Not really. My mom married him when I was about 13 years old. The thing about Bob was he was a very intense man. He wanted things his way and if you didn’t agree then he was going to put you down. And put me down, he did. All the time. He was verbally and mentally abusive, but even with him gone, I’m still dealing with those issues.
I go to therapy twice a month for my anxiety and depression. I didn’t realize finding my step-dad in his chair like that would have been such a trauma to me but it has been. Therapy helped me realize that I need to work through my issues with him even though he is gone now. His words stayed with me. I need to let them go. I have to go out and follow my dreams now because letting his words of me being a failure bring me down only gives them more power. I can’t do that anymore.
I’m not a failure.
I’m not a loser.
I’m not anything he said I was.
I can only be one person: Me. That’s all I want.
And now I’m letting all of that pain go. Right now. Letting it fly into the proverbial wind so I can pick myself up, brush myself off and move on. It’s time.