The New Therapist Blues

My therapist has decided to leave the counseling center I attend and go into her own practice over an hour away.

Still not sure how I feel about that.

She said I have three options:

  1. I can stay at the center and get a new therapist
  2. I can go to her practice
  3. I can stop going to therapy completely.

Here are my issues with each one.  Getting a new therapist makes me nervous because that means I have to get used to talking to yet another person. I was just getting comfortable with the one I have right now.

Her new practice is pretty damn far from where my house is. Traveling that far twice a month for 45 minute therapy sessions isn’t really practical. Gas is expensive as it is.

Stopping therapy isn’t smart either. I did that several years ago and I had a really bad time.  It’s not really recommended that I do that anyways.

So, I know that I’m just going to have to stay where I am and get a new therapist whether I’m comfortable with it or not. It’s something that I have to do. I guess I just hate change still. I’m trying to work through my own issues and this wasn’t something I expected. I guess I should have saw it coming since she had cleaned out her bookcase a month or so ago. It’s been empty for awhile so I didn’t think much of it. I just thought she was getting ready to put new books in it or something.

Obviously not.

 

Feeling Down

I guess I’ve been having a really hard time lately.

I’ve battled anxiety and depression for year, but lately, I don’t know….  it’s just really got to me.

I work really, really hard every day. I’ve always been the creative type, so ever since I graduated college, I needed some extra cash (since jobs are hard to come by around here). I started making my own jewelry and hair accessories to sell on etsy (an online marketplace for handmade, vintage, and supplies), thinking that would be the perfect way to do it. People all over the world could see my stuff and hopefully buy it so I can save up. Unfortunately, that hasn’t been the case.

In over four months, I’ve only had about 4 sales. I think I’ve made maybe… twenty to thirty dollars, but with all of the supplies and stuff I’ve had to pay, there hasn’t been much profit. I would take this as just getting started and it’ll get better if I didn’t have a friend who also has an etsy store and hers is booming. Her jewelry is selling really well and she has orders all the time.

Sometimes, I wonder what I’m doing wrong. There are times when I just want to be better at something.  I don’t want to feel dejected every time I log onto my etsy profile to find out nothing has sold… the things I thought would sell so well haven’t moved… and that does things to my own confidence. It makes me feel like I’m just not good enough and that my stuff looks cheap and horrible.  Then, the negative thoughts in my head go on and on about how nobody likes my jewelry or accessories. They look at it and hate it. Those are the thoughts I deal with on a daily basis. It upsets me because I just want to make people proud of me.  I hate being the ‘unemployed’ one of the family… the one who has to be taken care of because I can’t pay my own bills right now.  I want them to be like “oh, yeah, she makes awesome jewelry and has this great business.”

I guess I just get really frustrated because people say that they like my stuff, but I never get any sales these days.

Letting Go

I haven’t posted in this blog in a very long time. It’s just that I have been so busy with other stuff this past year that I was a bit neglectful. Sorry about that.  It’s already been a long year.  For those that don’t know, my step-dad passed away last September and after that, my anxiety disorder came back full force. My mom and I were the ones who found him in his chair.  He had congestive heart failure. He was very overweight and smoked almost two packs of cigarettes a day.

We didn’t get along. Not really. My mom married him when I was about 13 years old. The thing about Bob was he was a very intense man. He wanted things his way and if you didn’t agree then he was going to put you down. And put me down, he did. All the time.  He was verbally and mentally abusive, but even with him gone, I’m still dealing with those issues.

I go to therapy twice a month for my anxiety and depression. I didn’t realize finding my step-dad in his chair like that would have been such a trauma to me but it has been. Therapy helped me realize that I need to work through my issues with him even though he is gone now. His words stayed with me.  I need to let them go.  I have to go out and follow my dreams now because letting his words of me being a failure bring me down only gives them more power. I can’t do that anymore.

I’m not a failure.

I’m not a loser.

I’m not anything he said I was.

I can only be one person: Me. That’s all I want.

And now I’m letting all of that pain go. Right now. Letting it fly into the proverbial wind so I can pick myself up, brush myself off and move on. It’s time.

Anxiety

I was up fairly early this morning.  I’ve been awake since three, but went back to bed at around six and got another couple of hours of sleep. Why? Because my anxiety keeps me up at night. I went to the doctors yesterday to see if I couldn’t get back on the medication I was on a few years ago. They prescribed me the generic brand and sent me on my way. I took it and then the anxiety hit worse than ever. I think the dosage was too high and now I have to adjust it. I hate that I’m still feeling this way.. It sucks when everyone else thinks you’re crazy.

Anxiety happens to everyone. We’re all affected by it at some point. There are just others who let it affect them completely. They fall apart and panic to the point where it gets pretty scary. I’m not perfect and I let stress take over. It sucks sometimes because it just really runs me down. I always feel pretty bad. Once you start to have a panic attack, it’s hard to get rid of it. It’s easy to get but hard to get rid of. I also find it hard to get rid of that feeling once I have it. It’s always in the back of my mind, ready to settle into my chest.

I really wish that I could be “okay” again. I wish I was able to go out and hang out with my friends without the fear of having a panic attack in front of them looming over my head. I wish this medication didn’t make me feel so bad. My mom says it’ll just take time for my body to get used to it again. I don’t know about that.

Sometimes I Just Need Time To Think

It’s been awhile since I’ve written in this blog. It’s not for lack of anything to write about. It’s more that I just couldn’t get the momentum to actually do it.

When winter hits, I don’t want to do anything. I guess I suffer from seasonal depression. I always thought that was just a big joke, but now… I don’t know. I’ve been depressed since November really and my anxiety has decided to rear it’s ugly head at me. I’ve suffered from an anxiety disorder for quite a few years now. I’ve always been able to get a handle on it and take care of it myself. Of course I have moments where I feel like I’m suffocating, but now I have tricks to get over it. That’s a start, I guess.

When I begin to get depressed and anxious, I get horrible mood swings. Then, I become withdrawn and I don’t want to talk to anybody. I  haven’t talked to any of my friends in several days. I just don’t want to take it out on them. They  have their own problems to deal with. I don’t want them to worry about me.  I’ve always been the one to put aside my own issues to help them. But, right now, I’m so emotionally drained that I can’t focus on that right now.

My writing keeps me sane. It helps tune out the anxiety and the OCD. It makes it all go away for the time being. I can focus on my characters and what’s going on with them. Somehow, their problems ease my own. Not sure how that works, but I’ll take it.

Hopefully my friends understand my silence. It’s not intentional, but sometimes I just need my own space. I need time to clear my head and get over the funk.

Life Goes On

Oh, rejection. How I am too familiar with you…..

I must say that I really despise the whole thing, but I realize that it’s apart of life. It happens to everyone. Either with jobs, family, love, friends.  I’ve experienced it all, so I should be a professional at brushing myself off and moving on when it happens to me.  But, unfortunately, I’m not.

Back in August, I started talking to this guy who lives a couple of hours away. We “met” via the internet by a mutual friend but had never met in person. I was always a cautious person. I have this invisible wall around me that tends to guard me from any potential pain. I suppose that can get annoying after awhile to any guy who tries to get around it. None of them really stick around long enough to break down that wall. So there it stands…

Anyways, this guy (we shall name him Pete for the sake of privacy..) and I hit it off pretty well when we started to talk. We both loved music and he wrote poetry.  He loved to listen to my stories and was always interested in hearing about how my day went. Pete listened to me….. he actually talked to me about things. So, after awhile, he wanted to meet up, but things kept getting in the way. My family has been dealing with the death of my step-father back in September and things have been in a constant state of chaos ever since. Basically, things kept getting thrown in the way,  so we couldn’t get a day where we both were free. As frustrating as that was, he said that he’d remain patient and have confidence that it’ll happen.

I suppose his patience doesn’t last as long as he said.  Last week, he told me that he started talking to a girl online and they had a lot in common. I mean, a lot. I guess she really is his perfect match…. the ultimate “nerd” girl that he probably needs. He is an anime junkie and so is she (while I’m not..), they both love  Japanese music (while I listen to punk rock/hardcore…), they’re both obsessed with video games (while I could care less..). It’s all right there. But, he told me not to worry too much about it because I was this awesome girl he couldn’t imagine hurting.

On Saturday, I logged onto facebook and saw his relationship status had changed.He was now in a relationship with Anime Girl… a girl he hasn’t even met yet. I asked him about it and he told me it just happened. They decided to “make it official” early Saturday morning while talking online. He didn’t want to hurt me… but I wasn’t putting him first. I guess he felt I was making excuses and wouldn’t let him in. It’s the usual thing I hear from guys.  That wall can be a bitch…

He still wants to be friends.  The thing that made me mad was how he said: “You know, this could be good for us. We can get to know each other better as friends and see from there. I don’t know if my relationship is going to work or not…” It’s like he’s putting me on reserve as a potential rebound girl.  I’m not someone you can just put on reserves and expect to be still there if something goes wrong. It doesn’t work that way.

I should be used to this end result by now. It’s always the same thing. They tell me how wonderful I am…how awesome and amazing a girl I am…and then they choose someone else.  It’s a low blow to my ego, but it happens. They always leave.

But, I’m not going to sit around and feel sorry for myself because some douche decided I wasn’t good enough. That’s life, you know. I just have to pick myself and keep looking.  You can’t hide from rejection and disappointment. This only fuels my writing anyways. It enhances my emotions and brings out the best creativity in me. So, he has done me a favor really. He has made me stronger.

I think the next time one of my friends decides to “introduce” me to guys via facebook, I’m going to say no though… ha ha.

Say It Like You Mean It

I’ll be honest…. this week has sucked.  My writing has been slow and I’ve been easily distracted.  Every time I turn around I’m dealing with someone’s drama that they have created. Being the good friend I am, I’ll put away whatever I’m working on to help them out. I don’t mind doing that at all. But, there comes a point when you’re going to have to do it on your own. They can’t rely on me all the time. Figure it out on your own. Write your e-mails to stupid boys by yourself. It’s not my problem.

Why am I so frustrated right now? Last night, I tried to help someone out by inviting them out to the movies on Monday. I wanted to get her out of the house and get her mind off of all the problems going on with her. I felt bad for her and I wanted to help. What did she do?  She didn’t like the movie choice so she said she wasn’t in the mood to go out at the moment. Fine…

What is she doing right now? Well, according to facebook, she’s going out with 3 good friends for ” date” and some food. Interesting.  It’s hard not to take that one personally.

This is the girl who also wants to be a published writer. She talks about it a lot but never puts any effort into it. She gets distracted too easily by stupid people and boys. One certain boy she hasn’t even met yet distracts her beyond reasoning. He’s not worth her time, won’t pay attention to when she wants to talk about serious topics, and only wants to “sweet talk” her to death.

Boys….

I don’t know what it is, but I just feel like I’m in the right place to really settle down and get a boyfriend. Sure, I’d love to have one, but I’m trying to focus on getting this book written and get it published. Boys are needy….

I started talking to one that I met on some social network (Facebook, I think..). He lives a couple of hours away. Sure, he’s nice. Yeah, he’s cute. But….. I don’t have the time to really interact with him. I think he’s the type who needs to be around the girl all the time.  I can’t handle that right now. I have my own things to deal with.

Maybe I just have a fear of  commitment…..eh…?

Let’s see, what else? One of my good friend’s soon-to-be ex-husband likes to attack my facebook when he gets drunk and angry. Gotta love dealing with angry photo comments at one in the morning because someone wants to have a drunk hissy fit.

I feel for my friend though. She’s having legitimate problems worthy of all the stress going on. There’s kid involved which complicates things even more.

Hmm…there’s more. Oh! My awesome betta fish, Telle, died the other night. It really broke my heart because he was great company while I was writing. He never made any distracting noises, stayed in one place.. it was great. Now, his empty bowl sits on my desk, depressing me even more. I really should put that away somewhere I can’t see it. Telle was my little buddy.

So, I’m thinking that I’m going to have to let certain friends deal with their own problems for once. They have to learn that they can do these things on their own without having me make all their decisions. It’s time to grow up and either make some mistakes or make some good choices. But, they have to do it on their own or they won’t learn.

Plus, I’m getting really tired taking on their stress along with what I have. My back is starting to break. I have my own work to do. Get focused and get stuff done. Just leave me out of it for once.

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