Anxiety

I was up fairly early this morning.  I’ve been awake since three, but went back to bed at around six and got another couple of hours of sleep. Why? Because my anxiety keeps me up at night. I went to the doctors yesterday to see if I couldn’t get back on the medication I was on a few years ago. They prescribed me the generic brand and sent me on my way. I took it and then the anxiety hit worse than ever. I think the dosage was too high and now I have to adjust it. I hate that I’m still feeling this way.. It sucks when everyone else thinks you’re crazy.

Anxiety happens to everyone. We’re all affected by it at some point. There are just others who let it affect them completely. They fall apart and panic to the point where it gets pretty scary. I’m not perfect and I let stress take over. It sucks sometimes because it just really runs me down. I always feel pretty bad. Once you start to have a panic attack, it’s hard to get rid of it. It’s easy to get but hard to get rid of. I also find it hard to get rid of that feeling once I have it. It’s always in the back of my mind, ready to settle into my chest.

I really wish that I could be “okay” again. I wish I was able to go out and hang out with my friends without the fear of having a panic attack in front of them looming over my head. I wish this medication didn’t make me feel so bad. My mom says it’ll just take time for my body to get used to it again. I don’t know about that.

Say It Like You Mean It

I’ll be honest…. this week has sucked.  My writing has been slow and I’ve been easily distracted.  Every time I turn around I’m dealing with someone’s drama that they have created. Being the good friend I am, I’ll put away whatever I’m working on to help them out. I don’t mind doing that at all. But, there comes a point when you’re going to have to do it on your own. They can’t rely on me all the time. Figure it out on your own. Write your e-mails to stupid boys by yourself. It’s not my problem.

Why am I so frustrated right now? Last night, I tried to help someone out by inviting them out to the movies on Monday. I wanted to get her out of the house and get her mind off of all the problems going on with her. I felt bad for her and I wanted to help. What did she do?  She didn’t like the movie choice so she said she wasn’t in the mood to go out at the moment. Fine…

What is she doing right now? Well, according to facebook, she’s going out with 3 good friends for ” date” and some food. Interesting.  It’s hard not to take that one personally.

This is the girl who also wants to be a published writer. She talks about it a lot but never puts any effort into it. She gets distracted too easily by stupid people and boys. One certain boy she hasn’t even met yet distracts her beyond reasoning. He’s not worth her time, won’t pay attention to when she wants to talk about serious topics, and only wants to “sweet talk” her to death.

Boys….

I don’t know what it is, but I just feel like I’m in the right place to really settle down and get a boyfriend. Sure, I’d love to have one, but I’m trying to focus on getting this book written and get it published. Boys are needy….

I started talking to one that I met on some social network (Facebook, I think..). He lives a couple of hours away. Sure, he’s nice. Yeah, he’s cute. But….. I don’t have the time to really interact with him. I think he’s the type who needs to be around the girl all the time.  I can’t handle that right now. I have my own things to deal with.

Maybe I just have a fear of  commitment…..eh…?

Let’s see, what else? One of my good friend’s soon-to-be ex-husband likes to attack my facebook when he gets drunk and angry. Gotta love dealing with angry photo comments at one in the morning because someone wants to have a drunk hissy fit.

I feel for my friend though. She’s having legitimate problems worthy of all the stress going on. There’s kid involved which complicates things even more.

Hmm…there’s more. Oh! My awesome betta fish, Telle, died the other night. It really broke my heart because he was great company while I was writing. He never made any distracting noises, stayed in one place.. it was great. Now, his empty bowl sits on my desk, depressing me even more. I really should put that away somewhere I can’t see it. Telle was my little buddy.

So, I’m thinking that I’m going to have to let certain friends deal with their own problems for once. They have to learn that they can do these things on their own without having me make all their decisions. It’s time to grow up and either make some mistakes or make some good choices. But, they have to do it on their own or they won’t learn.

Plus, I’m getting really tired taking on their stress along with what I have. My back is starting to break. I have my own work to do. Get focused and get stuff done. Just leave me out of it for once.

Sometimes I Have The Advice and Sometimes I Need It, Too

My posts on here seem to be lacking and for that, I apologize.

I’ve just been so focused on trying to get my writing routine back for my w.i.p that I have sort of neglected this blog. It wasn’t intentional. It just happened.

I’ve been feeling kind of frustrated lately, maybe a bit…lonely, I guess. My social life has been quickly disappearing before my eyes and it really sucks. Ever since I graduated college, things haven’t really been all that easy. I still can’t find a job… I’m still living at home with the family (and they drive me crazy, let me tell you), I have bills piling up and my friends are doing their own thing.

But, whenever they need me, I’m always there. I always make time for those who need me. I’ve been giving advice like crazy to people because I don’t want them to have to suffer through things alone. If I can help, okay.  I’m not the best romance expert in the world (in fact, my experience isn’t all that great, to be honest), but if my friend is having trouble with guy issues, I’ll do my best.

My friends say I should have been a therapist instead. I should have been a life coach or something because I’m so supportive and willing to help people.  I guess it’s just in my nature to want to help someone.

I’ve been through a lot of dark days and I wouldn’t want anyone to have to experience that.

I guess I just get irritated when I’m the one with some problems and nobody listens to me. I try to talk about it and they just change the subject back to themselves. Sometimes, I need to talk about things.. and all this guy talk lately has been depressing. It makes me feel lonely because I’ve been single for so long. I used to say I didn’t care, but now? I don’t know. There’s a lot of pressure for girls to settle down and get married around here. And when you’re single, you get labeled as an “old maid.” It’s frustrating.

I had to break up with a guy a couple of years ago because he wouldn’t listen to what I had to say. He would whine and complain because I “never talked to him” but, he didn’t see that when I tried to, he would go off and say he had other things to do. He would log off messenger because he had to play video games with his buddy. I soon realized video games and his friends were more important than me. I deserved better than that.

I’m sure I’ll get it one day…right?